The reasons (most) women hate football
Before you start reading this, climb down from your football shaped soapbox, dismount your team-coloured high horse, leave your defences at the doorstep. This little write-up is not in reference to everyone and if I offend anyone I really don’t mean to it is just my observation and opinion.
First off, I’m not fussed on football, the game itself isn’t bad, I don’t understand it but that’s because I have no interest in it to try and understand it (like I’m sure the majority have no understanding in why us woman need a Louboutin shoe to be on our foot it’s just a shoe with a red bottom right?) the things that come with football are what bothers me. Let me explain
First of all, for some unknown reason, I have observed that football brings out the primate side in you all. There you are plodding along, pacing back and forth on your patch of land and you are territorial about your patch of land and rightly so because it’s yours after all then, all of a sudden, a stranger walks on to your patch of land. You don’t know him or why he’s there and although he isn’t doing anything other than walking on your patch of land this is not suitable behaviour. You’re threatened and that won’t do. You stand tall on your hind legs, you beat your chest loudly, you bare your teeth and widen your eyes and you run full speed and attack the stranger for no other reason than he’s on your patch of land and he doesn’t belong there. Before you know it you’re both bloody and foaming at the mouth with rage burning in your eyes. I have a few questions on this. Why the bloody hell do this? What does fighting with the other side achieve? Does it make you feel like big strong men? Does it mean that because you punched a stranger then your football team is better than his?
It is, dare I say this?, just a game. I understand that you all love and are passionate about football and I don’t mean to belittle the game but that is what it is, a beautiful one but a game nonetheless. Wales have a football team that the Welsh support but then when it comes to a Swansea V Cardiff City match, they all descend with pitchforks and torches looking for blood. It is rarely about the about the actual football then, the majority don’t actually care if the game is technically very good or not just as long as you win so you can “get on over” on the opposing side and then you can sing those stupid chants. Oh, God, The chants!! I hate them so much, they are vulgar and aggressive and make you all look and sound vile. This is my second point!
Swansea (Jack Bastards) are scum and jippos etc according to Cardiff City. I have been to Swansea, it’s quite nice they have an amazing ice-cream shop and a pretty good crazy golf course. I live on the outskirts of Cardiff and in my years I have seen many a travelling folk pass through, I say this because jippo is the derogatory term for gypsy travellers, right? The same goes for Manchester City V Manchester United or Manchester United V Liverpool. I have heard the chants about the Munich Disaster and the Hillsborough Disaster and anyone who sings these chants or makes up any chants about any other kind of unfortunate event where people have been injured or lost their lives is an absolute knob. I would question their complete character if they could freely mock peoples tragedies. The world is ugly enough as it is we don’t need you to act ugly too. Just chill out. You are all there to support your team, to relish in the atmosphere, to see your idols doing what they do and love best. It’s disgusting and it makes you unattractive and it gives room for comparisons to Hitler, The KKK and the like (trust me, I can do this speech, it makes sense)
Point 3, you men think it’s strange when two girls go to the toilet together. We usually do this so we can have a little chat about the male company we have or we need other female’s opinion to make sure we look okay if we’re a little self conscious or, if we’re inside your heads, we just want to make out for a bit. So, why do you feel the need to go out in packs when the football is on? I walked past a pub earlier it was about midday and there were about 20 lads between 20 and 30 years old, all dressed as Santa, downing pints (and bloody chanting!) I knew the lads as the local football team and I know how the rest of today will pan out. They will carry on drinking excessively whilst watching the match, secretly hawk-eyeing their team-mates to make sure they are drinking just as much or more because no-one wants to be the pussy! They will then venture into town clutching their luke-warm cans of lager, slapping each other’s arses as they walk (they hate gays though, right!) They arrive at the next pub, still talking about the match saying what little trick they would’ve done instead if they had been playing. Instead they play some crappy drinking game chanting as the down shots or pints, doing the raised arm finger point thing Loser!, Loser!. Loser! (we get it, he lost!) They’ll chat up some woman then hurl abuse at her if she passes his affections calling her fat, slag, ugly etc. They will then descend to the club and will probably get refused entry for being too drunk or for all being dressed like Santa so then they’ll start football chant abuse at the bouncer usually using some sort of racist or homophobic remark. As the booze and anger swill together in their tummies they turn on each other and start fighting or worse they get heated and spot two younger lads wearing a football shirt of a team they don’t like, they’ll surround them and like a pack of wolves start attacking. Nearby there is an hysterical woman screaming ’Stop it! Stop it!, please! This fight will be etched into her memory forever you know. If she ever comes across him again, she will be rude to him and she will tell everyone how awful a person they actually are!
Point 4, Now, when it comes to watching it at home there are reasons we don’t like it. We don’t actually care that it’s on the TV. there are other things we can do, it’s what comes with it. The constant “you fucking wanker” at the ref. (never mind kissing your mother but kissing me with that mouth?) The jumping up from the sofa and throwing stuff around in a rage (cushions, fine but the remote or the ornamental vase from my late grandmother are not acceptable lobbing objects). Then the sinking depression you go into if you lose is horrendous! Sometimes I am terrified of speaking to my husband if his team loses. Everything becomes a struggle. ‘What do you want for dinner?’
‘I don’t fucking care!’
Well, with an attitude like that 1 – you can make your own goddamn dinner and 2 – you wonder why we get mad and say it’s just a game!
But then if you win, that’s it, if we don’t give you sex straight away you will die! The euphoria you feel when your team wins means us women all of a sudden look ridiculously hot to you. You need to score like your team scored, you need to go yyyeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!!! Like you did when that ball slides into the net (well that sounded a bit of a double-entendre!) Well it’s the weekend and we are home that means we are in our comfy’s and sans make-up, all we want to do is clean, ready trashy magazines and eat chocolate, not do you, so then you go in a mood. It’s never win-win so it’s easier just to say no football in the house! I have so many things to say, loads in fact, but that’s what January is for!
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year